A group of friends speak regularly about building an IT company that would be, in essence, the perfect place to work (nevermind that we’ve never been able to identify a business plan). I volunteered this morning to be the Buzzword Czar.

• Rule 1: Nobody’s leveraging shit.
• Rule 2: Use of the phrase “please advise” is banned unless the office is being mortared.
• Rule 3: If you break rule 2, your office will be mortared.
• Rule 4: Anyone who wants to “touch base” will be sent to sexual harassment training.
• Rule 5: Use of the phrase “do the needful” is grounds for immediate termination, because what the fuck.
• Rule 6: They’re people, not “resources.”
• Rule 7: The fort is not made of helium and will not float away, ergo you do not “hold down” the fort. You hold the fort.
• Rule 8: To facilitate meaningful communication, managers are not permitted in any meeting lasting more than 30 minutes.
• Rule 9: Managers shall not use the phrase “it’s going to be interesting” when they mean to say “we don’t know what the hell is going on.”
• Rule 10: Mission statements are for the feeble, and the feeble will be terminated, naturally.