I saw a new ad for some random Cheeto product last night, and it struck me that for the past, oh, five years or so, not a single new thing the Cheeto people has produced has not made me want to vomit.

There are two damn kinds of cheetos. Poofy cheetos, and whithered cheetos. You had a winning formula there. Speaking for myself as a cheeto fan, I don’t want DANGEROUSLY CHEESY cheetos which confuse ‘cheese’ with ‘cheese powder substitute (contains powdered cancer)’. Furthermore, the DANGEROUSLY CHEESY tag is a wonderful double entendre, as the ads are in fact so cheesy that they are a threat to humor as a whole. Nor do I give a flying rats ass about differently shaped cheetos, which is what I saw on TV last night. The hot new product is sort of a cheeto-tater-tot, except the size of my fist. I can’t imagine a world in which that’s appetizing.