So Amazon contacted UPS about it and then forwarded me UPS’s response. It said that I’m free to come pick up the package between X hours at their facility. In Ohio. They gave the address and according to Google Maps, it’s a 731 mile drive.
So I called Amazon to cut to the chase. The rep and I had a good chuckle at the 731 mile thing, and they’re going to ship another at no charge (of course). So a good customer service moment there, though my package will now arrive late next week. Oh well.